Her Body Says ‘Yes’ And Her Head Says ‘No’

Posted on 21. May, 2012 by in Billy's Blog

There are lots of rock songs about a woman getting sexually excited about a man while at the same time her head says, “No.” Is this a verifiable biological phenomenon or is it all just in a woman’s mind?

 The fact is that scientists have discovered that women’s YES/NO sex debates stem from the very core of their biological processes. It is not something women simply conjure up in their minds. In fact, studies show that it is common for a woman to feel the maybe-yes/maybe-no debate up to 20% of the times she’s sexually aroused. That is why she should not be guilt tripped by the whole thing when she decides to say “No.”

"Yes" or "No"

 

 

 

 

 

To better understand the YES/NO sexual debate, let’s compare the differences between the way women and men get turned on:

 Women Evaluate Potential Sexual Encounters on Two Different Levels. This creates two different takes on the situation: the physical and the emotional. These two perspectives arise from two semi-independent biological processes. So it’s natural that, on occasion, a woman will have conflicting feelings about sex—the physical feelings of arousal won’t match her emotional feelings about having sex. In certain situations, a woman may be focusing on the emotional content so intently that she may not even notice she that is physically aroused.

 Men Have Comparatively Fewer Conflicting Feelings About Sex. Men’s emotional responses about sex are often more closely aligned with their physical responses. That means that a man generally has a hard time arguing against his erection. Men, of course, are aware of the deeper emotional aspects of sexual relations. But they are not wired to closely monitor the difference between their emotional and physical feelings the way women are.

 Women Have Distinct Feelings of Physical Togetherness. Women tend to focus on the whole act of sexual engagement—that it is two bodies together, getting it on. During sexual relations, women are aware of how they are physically positioned and what is happening to them. A woman’s experience is also affected by her partner’s movements and actions. This means that a woman’s sexual arousal can reflect the overall toss, turn, and tumble of both bodies—reflecting the feeling of being physically together. Men, on the other hand, feel more independent during the early aspects of sex, like actors performing, where they have to stay on top of their job or they might lose it.

 Men Are Aroused By Bodies and Faces. In contrast to women, men generally do not focus so much on the sexual activity itself. Rather, they focus on a woman’s body and face, and how that stimulus rattles their genitals. Also, a man’s awareness is more self-focused when contrasted to a woman’s. This may give the impression that men need to take charge of the sexual activity—as if testosterone propels them to be sexually aggressive. But scientists have shown that this is not true. Rather, an amyloid protein regulates men’s sexual potency, and sexual aggressiveness is not related to testosterone levels whatsoever. Instead, aggressiveness is the product of a man’s values and his life experiences, not some innate compulsion to copulate with everything that’s around him.

 Women’s Feelings of Excitement are Conditional. Women’s emotional urges to have sex are generally dependent on the situation that she finds herself in. It’s normal for a woman to be thinking: “Is it safe, interesting?  … ah, just too cool.” The relationship itself also matters to a woman. This is why women are concerned about men being friendly, helping, and cooperative partners. These things tend to make sex an intimate emotional act that takes place with a particular partner. Sex is generally personalized, in other words, unless a woman suppresses these natural emotions so that she can have the sexual experience without the feeling of attachment.

 • A Man May Have Limited Emotional Engagement. Men get emotionally involved when they are in love and when their family-feeling buttons get pressed. So there are times when a man isn’t aware of his emotional involvement in a sexual relationship until after it grows on him. Men, like women, are hit with bonding hormones when they reach orgasm. That makes them want to be with their partners. But some men have been raised to suppress those innate feelings.

 • Sexual Arousal is Just Half the Ballgame. Sexual relationships don’t take place in a relationship vacuum—unless you and your partner are working hard at having no strings attached. Sometimes, of course, no-strings-attached does not work out that way, and a person feels lousy afterwards. That’s because you slip and get emotionally involved and maybe guilt-trip yourself over it. That happens because there are five relationship feelings that can engage when you are being intimate with a partner: the sexual feeling, the in-love feeling, feelings of friendship, the feeling of being a couple, and the feeling of wanting to help each other out. This is why, from a biological standpoint, sex doesn’t always happen in an emotional black out.

 Dealing with ‘YES-NO’ Sexual Cues. A woman cannot simply change who she is to accommodate a man’s sexual interests. And she shouldn’t have to. When a woman is feeling the Yes-No debate, she really is not ready for sex. She needs time and her own space to understand what she is feeling. While she cannot argue with his erection, she can talk around it. So switching the topic and simply moving on to some other activity is her best recourse for the moment. A man who isn’t obsessed like an addict about sex should be able to move forward with her. Men who demand sex, and keep track of the sexually exciting females, are sex addicts.

 • Machismo and Sex Addictions. Some men refuse to listen when a woman signals she’s not interested in having sex. They will badger and harass her because they want a quick sex fix to escape their feelings of frustration, anger, and powerlessness. Or, they enjoy exploiting and hurting women, and feel entitled to do so. For them, sex is not about the woman at all—it’s about the expression of male power and the use of force. Today, the majority of young men are not trained to think this sort of macho behavior is normal the way some of their fathers did. And most women won’t tolerate it. Yet, with half the world’s population, sexual exploitation is the norm.

 • Men and Women Reach Orgasm on Different Pathways. Women, more so than men, have a Yes/No debate going on in their minds before they consent to sex. That reflects, in part, nature’s safety value that allows women to think before they act. But once it’s over, men and women end up at the same place. Their bodies and souls interpret orgasm the same way. Unless—they are working hard at being emotionally uninvolved.

 If a woman feels conflicting feelings about sex, that’s OK. It is normal, not some sort of problem with her. Nor is it necessarily the case that she’s made a judgment against a potential partner. It’s simply nature calling. A woman can ignore these feelings and venture forth. Or she may believe that she is simply not ready and wait until she understands what those feelings really mean to her.

 People respond sexually the way they do because it’s a part of who they are. The only time you need to work on trying to respond differently is where you are not satisfied with your sex life or when you are in the habit of getting in another person’s space when you are not invited.

Women and Sex – Why Her Body says ‘Yes’ when Her Head says ‘No’

Posted on 12. Feb, 2011 by in Billy's Blog

In a Mindy McCready song, her date has her body screaming ‘Let’s get it on!’ while her mind is saying ‘I don’t think so.’

Any woman who has been in this situation might have guilt tripped herself about the decision she made. But she shouldn’t have. Scientists have discovered that women’s YES/NO sex debates stem from the very core of their biological processes. It is not something women simply conjure up in their minds. In fact, studies show that it is common for a woman to feel the maybe-yes/maybe-no debate up to 20% of the times she feels sexually aroused.

 To better understand the YES/NO Sex Debate, let’s compare the differences between the way women and men get turned on:

 • Women Evaluate a Sexual Situation on Two Different Levels. This creates two different takes on the situation: the physical and the emotional. These two perspectives arise from two semi-independent biological processes. So it’s natural that, on occasion, a woman will have conflicting feelings about sex. Her physical feelings of arousal just don’t match her emotional feelings. In certain situations, a woman may be focusing on the emotional content so intently that she may not even notice she that is physically aroused.

 • Men Have Fewer Conflicting Feelings About Sex. Men’s emotional responses are often more closely aligned with their physical responses. That means that a man generally has a hard time arguing against his erection. Men, of course, are aware of the emotional aspects of sexual relations. But they do not monitor the difference between their emotional and physical feelings as closely as women do.

 • Women’s Feelings of Physical Togetherness. Women generally get caught up in the whole act of two bodies being entwined, getting it on. During sexual relations, women are aware of how they are physically positioned and what is happening to them. This means that a woman’s experience is considerably affected by her partner’s movements, actions, and sense of engagement. This is why her feelings of sexual arousal often reflects the overall toss, turn, and tumble of both bodies going at it together.

 Men Are Turned On By Bodies and Faces. In contrast to women, men generally do not focus so much on the sexual activity itself. Rather, they focus more on a woman’s body and face, and how that rattles their genitals. Also, a man’s awareness is more self-focused when compared to a woman’s. This may give off the impression that men need to take charge of the sexual activity–as if testosterone propels them to be sexually aggressive. But sexual aggressiveness is not related to testosterone levels whatsoever. Rather, aggressiveness is a product of a man’s values and his life experiences, not some innate compulsion to nail down everything that’s around him.

 • Women’s Conditional Feelings of Excitement. Women’s emotional urges to have sex are generally dependent on the situation that she finds herself in. It’s normal for a woman to be thinking: “Is it safe, secure, non-hostile, interesting, or just plain cool?” The relationship itself also matters to a woman. This is why women are concerned about men being friendly, helping, and cooperative partners. These things tend to make sex an intimate emotional act that takes place with a particular partner. Sex is generally personalized, in other words, unless a woman suppresses these emotions so she can have the sexual experience without any feelings of attachment.

 • Men’s Limited Emotional Engagement. Men get emotionally involved when their in-love and family-feeling buttons get pressed. Sometimes a man isn’t aware of his emotional involvement in a sexual relationship until after the fact. Men, like women, are hit with bonding hormones when they reach orgasm. That makes them want to be with their partners. But some men have been raised to suppress those feelings.

 • Sexual Arousal is Only Half the Ballgame. Sexual relationships don’t take place in a relationship vacuum–unless you and your partner are working hard at having no strings attached. Sometimes, of course, no-strings-attached does not work out that way, and a person feels lousy afterwards. That’s because you slip and get emotionally involved and maybe guilt-trip yourself over it. That happens because there are five relationship feelings that can engage when you are being intimate with a partner: the sexual feeling, the in-love feeling, feelings of friendship, the feeling of being a couple, and the feeling of wanting to help each other out. This is why, from a biological standpoint, sex doesn’t always happen in an emotional black out.

Dealing with YES-NO Sexual Cues. A woman cannot simply change who she is to accommodate a man’s sexual interests. And she shouldn’t have to. When a woman is feeling the Yes-No debate, she is not ready for sex. She needs time and her own space to understand what she is feeling. While she cannot argue with a man’s erection, she can talk around it. So switching the topic and simply moving on to some other activity is her best recourse for the moment. A man who isn’t obsessed like an addict about sex should be able to move forward with her.

 • Machismo and Sex Addictions. Some men refuse to listen when a woman signals she’s not interested in having sex. They will badger and harass because they want a quick sex fix to escape their feelings of frustration, anger, and powerlessness. Or, they enjoy exploiting and hurting women, and feel entitled to do so. For them, sex is not about the woman at all–it’s about the expression of male power and the use of force. Today, the majority of young men are not trained to think this sort of macho behavior is normal the way some of their fathers did. And most women won’t tolerate it.

 As we look at how men and women get turned on sexually, the bottom line, here, is that men and women reach orgasm on somewhat different pathways. Women, more so than men, have a Yes/No debate going on in their minds before they consent to sex. That reflects, in part, nature’s safety value that allows women to think before they act. But once it’s over, men and women end up at the same place. Their bodies and souls interpret orgasm the same way.

 So remember, people respond sexually the way they do because it’s just who they are. The only time you need to work on trying to respond differently is where you’re not satisfied with your sex life or when you are in the habit of getting in another person’s space when you are not invited.

 If you want to learn more about sexual relationships, see my book, LOW STRESS ROMANCE. It’s available in paperback and Kindle formatting. If you want to talk to me about the information in this article, please contact me at www.billykidd.com and tell me your thoughts. All responses with be kept confidential.

Is Your Love Taken for Granted?

Posted on 26. Jan, 2011 by in Guest Posts: Relationships

Bob Quinlan 1-21-11 §          A lady once barked at me for opening her door, yelling, “I can open my own door!” This simple act of courtesy, and attempted chivalry, was not appreciated. Rather, it was condemned.

Believe me. I wasn’t trying to imply that she couldn’t open the door, that I was physically stronger, or that she didn’t deserve to make as much money as me for doing the same job. I was just trying to be nice but was emotionally slapped for being kind. Do you think what she did encouraged or discouraged this sort of civilized behavior?

Let me tell you, I was determined not to let this angry, insecure, or over-compensating woman deter me from being a gentleman. I still walk to the outside of the sidewalk when I’m with my wife. I still refer to her as My Queen. Our sons have learned to stand when a lady arrives at or leaves the table. These kindnesses are appreciated by M’ Lady. She enjoys the kindnesses I share and recognizes that they are not a matter of control or superiority, but of caring and showing appreciation for all of the kindnesses she gives. She rewards my gestures, which encourages me to repeat these behaviors.

Our society has changed dramatically. Perhaps much of the gender confusion stems from the fact that women are starting to become the kind of men that they used to want to marry. And maybe some women consider men to be expendable. After all, women are not being protected in the safety of their fortified castles, anymore, and most households have women working outside of the home.

I have written a book, Earn It: Empower Yourself for Love. It is quite different from other relationship books. That is because it uses basic business principles and terminology understood by both women and men—who are seen as equals in relationships as well as in business.

Yes, you read that right—men can understand romance! Sometimes we treat our clients and co-workers better than we treat our personal partners. But just as we cannot successfully take our clients’ business for granted we cannot take our loving relationships for granted and still be successful in love. Anything taken for granted, including love, is vulnerable.

The point is that you can have more love in your life—if you deserve to have more love in your life—and you can empower yourself to receive it. But just as you must earn your rewards in business, you must earn your rewards in your personal relationships. Obviously, the more you fill your customers’ needs, the more of their business you will receive. But sometimes we overlook the fact that the more you fill your loved one’s needs, the more of his or her love you will receive.

In Earn It: Empower Yourself for Love, I focus on three primary principles:

  • Love is an investment from which you are entitled to receive a fair and reasonable return—no more, no less. When you invest the behaviors necessary to earn the rewards, you empower yourself.
  • Once you demonstrate the necessary behaviors, you earn a return on your investment. This will make you more valuable to your partner and s/he will reward you, partly to motivate you to meet her or his future needs. This will encourage you to reinvest in your partner—actions he or she will find to be self-empowering.
  • The quality of the reward will be directly related to the quality of the investment. If you give less, you are allowed to receive less in return. The more you give, the more you are permitted to receive. You empower your partnership.

 Love is earned logically. List some one-word synonyms or components of love, such as acceptance or respect. Did you think of caring, affection, passion, or devotion? Aren’t each of these earned or unearned? Isn’t acceptance earned or unearned? Doesn’t unconditional respect even sound absurd? If each of the components of love can be earned or un-earned, then their collective sum, love, can also be earned or un-earned. Love is earned logically. 

Contrary to popular opinion, there is no such thing as unconditional love. It is a very nice goal that we can all strive to achieve. But do you know anybody who practices truly unconditional love without getting anything at all in return? Love is so deep and involved that it requires some kind of feedback, reward, or nourishment to continue. Love does not exist regardless of its circumstances. Love may lead to reciprocation, self-satisfaction, respect from others, good karma, or a place in heaven. Love is not humanly unconditional in the long term.

Unconditional love implies that love will happen unconditionally—regardless of any conditions. It suggests that you are completely powerless regarding love. You are not that vulnerable. Once you accept that you can influence your feelings, you empower yourself. You cannot control love, but you can motivate others to want to love you. Likewise, you can motivate others to love you less. Love can be enhanced or reduced; love can be earned or unearned.

The acceptance that there is no such thing as unconditional love is extremely empowering. Once you make love a priority in your life, you can choose to demonstrate behaviors to earn more love and its many rewards. Acknowledging this principle allows you to decide whether you get a little bit of love in your life or a lot of love in your life. The choice is yours.

Once upon a time, you earned your partner’s love and commitment. Selling him or her was the easier part. The real challenge is to repeatedly re-sell to your partner, service him or her properly, to confirm your partner’s decisions to stay involved with you.

So, ask yourself: What have you done lately to re-earn your partner’s love? How are you motivating him or her to want to meet your needs?

 Which perspective do you honestly feel will bring more love into your life: a) There is unconditional love and I will be loved no matter what I do or don’t do, or b) there is no such thing as unconditional love. It is up to me to earn it. 

The choice is yours. The question is: What will you do to earn it?

Bob Quinlan is the author of newly released (6/10) Earn It: Empower Yourself For Love. Nine years of providing psychiatric nursing, combined with twenty years of medical sales experience, demonstrated to Bob that there are many similarities between personal and professional relationships. Earn It uniquely uses basic business principles and terminology to provide a common understanding of relationships for women and men. If you want to learn to maximize your relationships at work and home, get the book!

Pregnancy and Depression – How are they Related?

Posted on 19. Jul, 2010 by in Relationships

Why does a woman’s mood change following the birth of a child? It’s because her postpartum mood is significantly related to the quality of her relationship with her partner during pregnancy. That makes sense when you consider the lightning speed at which modern romance takes place. Children are often born before partners really get to know each other. 

If that happens, couples do not really feel like a family when they are together. Without that feeling, partners cannot effectively turn to each other for help and reassurance during times of need. When they try to work through relationship roadblocks, it often cranks up the level of stress in their relationship, rather than reducing it. That is why so often partners turn away from each other, and to their friends or family members, when relationship problems arise.

 For a woman who is pregnant, this adds another layer of stress to her life. She does not feel there is an emotionally-secure attachment between her and her partner. So, when her child is born, her bonding system–which creates the ties that bind–will override most of her feelings of being in love with her partner. And then, she’ll focus her emotional energy on the child. In this fashion, she’ll adapt to her stressful environment in a way that protects the child.

 This is a natural biological process related to pregnancy. In prehistoric times, it allowed women’s hormones to readjust quickly, after giving birth, to accommodate to natural disasters and unforeseen circumstances. In modern times, the unforeseen circumstance might be discovering that a partner just isn’t all that much into you. Whatever the case, partners who don’t really know each other never have a clear understanding of how their relationship is evolving. So they don’t know how to respond to each other’s needs.

 The important issue here is that when a woman gives birth her bonding hormones naturally kick into overdrive. This hormonal change causes her to want to bond closer with her partner. She feels they should support each other and reach out and face the world together, protecting the child the way healthy families do. If, however, all a women experiences is an emotional blank from her partner–no soothing voice, no feelings of emotional support, nothing to quell her anxieties–she’ll latch onto the baby and push her partner aside.

 Then, she may try to reach out to her mother for support. Her unconscious motivation is the hope that her bond with her mother will be strong enough to quell her anxieties and frustrations, and stop her downward drift into depression.

 The problems caused by the fast pace of modern love do not stop here. If a new mother’s partner has not bonded to her before the child is born, he may not bond to the baby, either. He has to have ties that bind him emotionally to his partner before the baby is born for him to be a part of the family bonding process.

 All this is different when partners have had time to form strong emotional attachments before the baby is born. When that is the case, a new mother’s bonding system doesn’t override her feelings of being in love. Her bonding hormones simply increase while her in-love and her sexual hormones slack off a bit.

 This natural balancing process shows that there isn’t some innate flaw with how a woman’s bonding system operates during pregnancy. Rather, nature allows it to override her in-love and sexual systems when the survival of the infant is as stake. So, when people blame women for their postpartum depression, and say, “Get over it,” they simply do not know what they are talking about.

 The real cause of postpartum depression is different. The dramatization of love at first sight, the glorification of sexuality, and the rush to get married before partners really get to know each other–these are the culprits that eventually lead to unsatisfying relationships. And unsatisfying relationships are a prime cause of postpartum depression.

If I’m Pregnant – Do I Still Need a Man?

Posted on 29. Jun, 2010 by in Relationships

With the increasing acceptance of single motherhood, the question sometimes comes up, “Do I still need a man?” The answer is, “Yes and no.” Let me explain.

It makes sense to have a partner if he is supportive and you feel like a functional family. This will provide a healthy emotional environment where your child can thrive.

On the other hand, if you are pregnant, what you do not want is a high-stress relationship. That raises the levels of stress hormones circulating in your blood. Those hormones cross the placenta and pass through the umbilical cord to your baby. Then, your baby experiences your stress similar to the way you experience it.

This may not sound like much of a problem until you understand the consequences. When your baby experiences stress, this modifies the programming of his or her biological set points. These set points regulate how you child will respond emotionally to events in the world. So if you experience high levels of stress while you are pregnant, your baby will be programmed to tolerate high levels of stress when it is born. In that situation, your child will not adapt very well to quiet, learning environments when he or she starts school.

What this means is that your child will be able to tolerate the ongoing stress in your relationship. But he or she will feel uncomfortable at school. That is because there will not be enough background crazymaking to crank up your child’s stress hormones. Without those stress hormones running at the level your child expects, he or she will feel like something is missing. This might very well cause your child to act out in order to pump up the level of stress in the schoolroom.

The social implications of this are enormous. It explains why the incidence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is on the rise. As mothers experience more and more stress in today’s fast-paced world, their babies internalize more and more stress during pregnancy. Add to that the stress of dysfunctional relationships, where women are constantly arguing with their partners, and children get set up for academic disaster even before they are born. That is why so many children show up to school unprepared for learning environments. Yet, they might appear to behave normally at home because they feel okay in emotionally-tense situations.

Many psychiatrists do not understand this process. So they end up prescribing medications for children when they cannot sit still or concentrate at school. But medications often add another layer of stress to a child’s life. In contrast, what a child really needs is for his or her parents to step forward and seek help from a family therapist. In family therapy, parents can learn to lower the level of stress in their relationship. This, in turn, will create a home environment that stimulates your child’s emotional set-points to readjust, allowing your child to be more emotionally stable.

If you want to avoid this situation from the get-go, you need to have a low stress relationship with your partner. Don’t let stress program your unborn child for a lifetime of difficulties. Fix your relationship before you become pregnant. Or, if you are pregnant now, talk to your partner about working through relationship stressors in a collaborative fashion.

[Note: This is a question that was sent to Dr. Kidd via the feedback form on the Let’s Hear Your Ideas here at BlameBilly.com.]