Does He Love You? – Use the Love Code and Figure It Out

Posted on 03. Nov, 2010 by in Relationships

With the Love Code, you can analyze any romantic relationship. Let’s look at a real-life story and see how it works:

 Jack and Teri had been crazy in love for about 6 months. Jack catered to Teri in such a way that she was impressed by his gallant actions. But after she moved in with him, he began walking out of the room when she tried to discuss their relationship. All she really wanted was to take the relationship another step deeper. But when she talked to Jack about being best friends, he laughed.

 “We’re not adolescents, anymore,” Jack said. “Real men protect their ladies. And they bring home their paychecks, and they take ‘em out and rock all night, or stay home and rock in the bedroom. They don’t sit around and chatter about their feelings the way girlfriends do.”

 OK. Is Jack really in love with Teri? How does his behavior hold up when we look at it through the lens of the Love Code. Here’s the basics of the code so you can decide for yourself:

 • He Thinks About Her and Feels Rewarded to be with Her. Most of what he thinks is cool stuff because it feels good just to be around her.

 • He Gets Turned On by Her. They not only explore each other’s bodies, but they also go out and explore the world together. This makes their sexual relationship even more intense.

 • He’s Her Friend. He doesn’t keep score or remind her of her failings. He listens to what’s on her mind and helps her contrast that with what she did in similar situations.

 • He Regards Her as Part of His Family. So he trusts her. And he’s OK with talking about the problems he’s facing. It calms him down.

 • He Wants to Help Her when She Needs It. He asks what’s going on when he sees that she looks stressed out. That’s because he cares about her and her future, as well as her goals.

 That’s the Love Code. Let’s look at how to use it so you can answer the question: Does Jack love Teri?

 • Does Jack think about Teri? Yes, but he thinks if he loves her he owns her. And there are times that he doesn’t feel rewarded to be around her unless he thinks he is in charge. That’s a macho control trip, and it’s a dysfunctional way to be in love.

 • Does she turn him on? She did, but he wouldn’t let her get close to him emotionally. So they never explored the full dimensions of their sexuality together.

 • Is Jack her friend?  No. He simply cannot imagine being friends and lovers, too.

 • Does Teri feel like family to Jack? Yes, in a dysfunctional sense. He tried to get her to go along with his dysfunctional-family orientation–where feelings and secrets are never shared. But after she moved in with him, she just couldn’t handle it.

 • Does he help her when she really needs it? No. He helps when he thinks that it will help him get in control of their relationship or when it makes him feel cool. It isn’t about her.

 So, does Jack love Teri?

 Yes, he did love her, but it was in a very dysfunctional fashion. He felt like he owned something, and that give him the right to do things his way. His love wasn’t about developing a sense of personal relationship with her. Meanwhile, Teri had fun for a while with all his chivalrous actions—the flowers, opening doors, and taking charge of things. But in the long run, she couldn’t handle that kind of love. So she moved on to find a man who’d be her friend and her lover, too.

 What’s the lesson here?

 The lesson is that one person’s definition of love might be completely different from another’s. You can use the Love Code to figure out where you differ and where you’re in sync with your partner. Next time you’re feeling confused about your relationship or a potential one, look at the first list of questions that we asked about Jack. Then, see where that leads you.

 – Dr. Billy Lee Kidd

For more on information about the Love Code, see my book Low Stress Romance.

How Love Works – The Love Code

Posted on 19. Oct, 2010 by in Billy's Blog

When I broke the love code, I saw that our feelings of love arise from five different biological systems. These five systems work together to create all the different feelings of love.  Any, all, or none of these love systems can respond to a partner or potential partner. This is why we can love each other in so many ways. Let’s look at how the five love systems work:

The In Love System. The in-love system is what causes you to think about one person–so much so you might think he or she is The One. Being crazy in love like this fades away, however, when your hormones rebalance, generally within thirty months. At that time, you move into the second stage of being in love. That is where you feel rewarded when you are together. If you do not have a functional relationship, you won’t move into this second stage. Instead, you will get the feeling that the “honeymoon is over” or that you are “in bed with a stranger.”

The Sexual System. Scientists realized years ago, of course, that the male erectile system is driven by testosterone. But more recently it was shown that testosterone also regulates women’s potential to become physically aroused about sex. What’s more, it was demonstrated that vigorous exercise raises men’s and women’s physical desire to have sex. Cuddling does the same thing for both men and women. The emotional desire to have sex, however, is different than the feeling of sexual physical arousal. Sexual emotional desire increases when you get out and explore the world. This is why exercising and going on vacation beats sitting around arguing about your sex life.

The Friendship System. The friendship system sets the general tone of how people treat their lovers and how they handle relationship conflict. When partners are friends, they are able to resolve conflict in an equitable fashion through a mutual decision-making process. That eliminates the competition and the winner-take-all arguments that are so common in dysfunctional relationships.

The Bonding System. The bonding relationship system is similar to the friendship system. But it reaches much deeper into the soul and creates the ties that bind people together. Those ties are what generate a family feeling. Unfortunately, people who have dysfunctional relationships try to bond with people they really don’t know. This is what sets the stage for having a cling/clung relationship, or one of mere convenience.

The Helping System. When the helping system engages, you want to help your lover achieve his or her goals. But some people only help in order to try to get control over their partner. Sensing this, their partner simply does less and expects more. As a result, the helper will slave away until he or she ends up resenting his or her partner. People in functional relationships have an intuitive understanding of this. So they do not give unsolicited advice and do not act like martyrs. They also know when to ask if their partner really wants some help and when to stay out of the way.

Now, let’s look at an example of how this works. Let’s imagine that you fell madly in love with someone you just met. And let’s say that you thought about this person all the time and wanted to be with him or her seemingly forever. These feelings arise, of course, from your in-love system. Yet, let’s say, you don’t know your partner well enough to be friends, nor have you had time to bond to your partner so he or she feels like family. But you may want to help your partner achieve his or her goals.

Now, let’s imagine that one day you wake up and you’re feeling like the honeymoon is over. You don’t think about your partner the way you used to, and you don’t feel rewarded when you see him or her. This would mean, of course, that you are no longer in love with your partner. Your in-love system has rebalanced without advancing to the second stage of being in love. But you may still want to help your partner–even though you’ve decided to move on. With what you know, now, you do not have to settle for saying “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Instead, you can say that the in-love, go-crazy magic about the relationship has ended. But you still feel a little like helping out.

Want to know more? Browse through my book at http://LowStressRomance.com

.- Dr. Billy Kidd

You Don’t Know Diddly About Love – the video script

Posted on 09. Oct, 2010 by in Relationships

It doesn’t matter who you are. You could be a shrink and have written ten books on romantic relationships, but changes are you don’t know diddly about love.  I say that because I was one of the psychologists who recently broke the The Love Code. So, let me tell you how that works.

 The feeling of love is created by a biological system inside your body, just like the sexual system that makes you want to have sex. But the in-love system is different. It’s run by hormones and neurotransmitters that make you think about someone and want to be with them. You think about that person so much, you think they are the One. OK?

 So, if your boyfriend says, hey, he’s having dinner with another woman, and oh, she’s just a friend, but you can’t come along because you’re not one of their friends–your boyfriend isn’t in love with you, because he’s not thinking about you. He’s thinking about this other woman. That’s what being crazy in love is all about–thinking about the one you want to be with.

 But here’s what’s wild about it. The in-love crazy feeling slips away within 30 months of falling in love. That’s what can make it feel like the honeymoon is over or you woke up in bed with a stranger. But that only happens if you don’t move into the second stage of being in love.

 That’s when you feel rewarded just to see your partner. Three years or thirty years down the road, she’s still the one. That’s because neurotransmitters and hormones fire off in your head and give you a feeling of reward just to be with your partner. You’re not thinking about her all the time like you did when you were crazy in love. It just feels good to see her and it still feels cool when you buy her flowers.

To view my video about how the feeling of being in love is created, go to You Don’t Know Diddly About Love.

Mr. Ex versus Mr. Now – Comparing Your Feelings

Posted on 19. Aug, 2010 by in Relationships

It can be confusing if you bump into an ex-partner. You might start comparing him to your current partner even without thinking about it. You could even ask yourself what it might have been like if the two of you had stayed together.

If this should happen to you, relax. It’s normal. Don’t let your feelings confuse you. Instead, turn your chance meeting into a learning experience. That’s easy when you focus on the five major feelings of love. Do that by asking yourself these questions concerning your current partner:

• Does it feel like I am in love and that it is rewarding to be with him?

• Does it feel exciting and meaningful to have sex with him?

• Does it feel like he is my friend?

• Does it feel like he is a part of my family?

• Does it feel like I enjoy helping him with things that matter to him?

When you work through your feelings associated with these questions, you will understand more about why you are with your partner. You will also understand more about what you need in your relationship and where you hope it is headed. After you think about that, it will feel safe to look at your past relationships.

Do that by asking yourself similar questions about an ex-partner concerning the five major feelings of love:

• Did it feel like I was in love and found it rewarding to be with him?

• Did it feel like I responded to him sexually in an exciting and meaningful fashion?

• Did it feel like we were friends?

• Did it feel like he was a part of my family?

• Did it feel like I wanted to help him with the issues he was facing?

When you ask these questions about your ex-partner, you will naturally find yourself making comparisons between him and your current partner. Don’t look at this as a threat to your current relationship. Use your ideas to clarify the direction you want your relationship to go in the future.

You might want to discuss your ideas about the future of your relationship with your current partner. If you have problems talking about this with him, ask him questions that relate to the five major feelings of love. Those five feelings are: being in love and finding it rewarding; desiring sex; feeling like a friend; feeling like family; and wanting to help out at times—just because.

These feelings form the foundation of every romantic relationship. You won’t experience all of these feelings in dysfunctional relationships. But they arise from human physiological systems and, together, they create all the feelings of love.

– Dr Billy Kidd