With the Love Code, you can analyze any romantic relationship. Let’s look at a real-life story and see how it works:
Jack and Teri had been crazy in love for about 6 months. Jack catered to Teri in such a way that she was impressed by his gallant actions. But after she moved in with him, he began walking out of the room when she tried to discuss their relationship. All she really wanted was to take the relationship another step deeper. But when she talked to Jack about being best friends, he laughed.
“We’re not adolescents, anymore,” Jack said. “Real men protect their ladies. And they bring home their paychecks, and they take ‘em out and rock all night, or stay home and rock in the bedroom. They don’t sit around and chatter about their feelings the way girlfriends do.”
OK. Is Jack really in love with Teri? How does his behavior hold up when we look at it through the lens of the Love Code. Here’s the basics of the code so you can decide for yourself:
• He Thinks About Her and Feels Rewarded to be with Her. Most of what he thinks is cool stuff because it feels good just to be around her.
• He Gets Turned On by Her. They not only explore each other’s bodies, but they also go out and explore the world together. This makes their sexual relationship even more intense.
• He’s Her Friend. He doesn’t keep score or remind her of her failings. He listens to what’s on her mind and helps her contrast that with what she did in similar situations.
• He Regards Her as Part of His Family. So he trusts her. And he’s OK with talking about the problems he’s facing. It calms him down.
• He Wants to Help Her when She Needs It. He asks what’s going on when he sees that she looks stressed out. That’s because he cares about her and her future, as well as her goals.
That’s the Love Code. Let’s look at how to use it so you can answer the question: Does Jack love Teri?
• Does Jack think about Teri? Yes, but he thinks if he loves her he owns her. And there are times that he doesn’t feel rewarded to be around her unless he thinks he is in charge. That’s a macho control trip, and it’s a dysfunctional way to be in love.
• Does she turn him on? She did, but he wouldn’t let her get close to him emotionally. So they never explored the full dimensions of their sexuality together.
• Is Jack her friend? No. He simply cannot imagine being friends and lovers, too.
• Does Teri feel like family to Jack? Yes, in a dysfunctional sense. He tried to get her to go along with his dysfunctional-family orientation–where feelings and secrets are never shared. But after she moved in with him, she just couldn’t handle it.
• Does he help her when she really needs it? No. He helps when he thinks that it will help him get in control of their relationship or when it makes him feel cool. It isn’t about her.
So, does Jack love Teri?
Yes, he did love her, but it was in a very dysfunctional fashion. He felt like he owned something, and that give him the right to do things his way. His love wasn’t about developing a sense of personal relationship with her. Meanwhile, Teri had fun for a while with all his chivalrous actions—the flowers, opening doors, and taking charge of things. But in the long run, she couldn’t handle that kind of love. So she moved on to find a man who’d be her friend and her lover, too.
What’s the lesson here?
The lesson is that one person’s definition of love might be completely different from another’s. You can use the Love Code to figure out where you differ and where you’re in sync with your partner. Next time you’re feeling confused about your relationship or a potential one, look at the first list of questions that we asked about Jack. Then, see where that leads you.
– Dr. Billy Lee Kidd
For more on information about the Love Code, see my book Low Stress Romance.